“I wish you wouldn’t refer to me as your ‘main squeeze’ in front of the congregation!”

Image, image, who’s got the image?

Ministers put enormous energy into maintaining the image that they believe their congregations demand of them. Conversely, congregations have their own expectations of what is proper and improper for their clergy. A great deal of every minister’s efforts goes into acting like (or, in some cases, reacting against) what the minister thinks is expected of him or her.

On their part, congregations think they have hired a vicarious Christian—one who will be what they think a perfect Christian should be, whether or not they themselves have any intention of living up to that standard of perfection themselves.

My friend Pastor Ralph let his pastoral relations committee know that he felt he was underpaid. He received a long overdue raise but the buzz around the congregation was that a minister should be concerned about things of the spirit and not material things.

Over the years, Pastor Theresa became angry when she was the object of malicious gossip but she bottled up her feelings and put on a happy face. Today she is in counseling for severe depression.

Rev. Earl once used the word “condom” in a sermon. He was threatened with dismissal and told that he had “forever demeaned and discredited the sanctity of the Gospel.” Remarkable considering Jesus taught that “the gates of hell” could not prevail against the Christian faith.

A member of the pastoral search committee advised me, “Just be yourself. You may succeed and you may fail. But if you try to be someone who you are not, you will surely fail.”

Do you have stories you would like to share? We are looking for anecdotes of 300 to 400 words--funnjy stories, happy stories, sad stories, moving stories--for inclusion in our forthcoming book. Send us your stories and Ron will create an appropriate cartoon to match it! E-mail us at revlowell@earthlink.net.

 “No offense, Rev., but maybe you should stick to saving souls!”

Pastor Earl has one of the finest singing voices I have ever heard. Every now and then he would add a song to his sermon to illustrate a point or he would tender an offertory solo. His renditions were heartfelt and moving. And he was a talented vocalist.

However, many of his congregants felt that it was not the minister’s role to sing in public. They accused him of “showing off.” Now no one actually said this to him directly. That’s not how it’s done. Mrs. Jones, who never liked him in the first place, told her friend of thirty years, Mrs. Olsen. Mrs. Olsen, who had always supported Pastor Earl, phoned him immediately and said, “I think you should no what Mrs.Jones is saying,” and passed on Mrs. Jones’s expression of disapproval.

It takes two people to hurt another’s feelings. First, there is the one who utters the hurtful comment and then there is the friend who repeats it to the individual who is the target of the remark.

I think it is wonderful when ministers have talents and interests other than preaching, teaching, and counseling. There is a lot more to the Christian life than “saving souls.”

“The congregation wants you to know that everyone is too busy to visit, but they prayed for your recovery...by a vote of 43 to 39!”

In the wealthy suburb of New York City, Pastor Al was renowned for his compassionate, encouraging manner. When any member of his congregation was hospitalized for illness or injury, he was there immediately offering comfort and cheer. He was at the side of dying members, reassuring them and their loved ones with his prayers and presence.

If the flu or a bad back sidelined a member, Al would be the first to visit. Many a family in the community with no involvement at the church, was amazed by his concern for and interest in them as well.

And then after 23 years with the church, Al was seriously injured in an automobile accident. He spent 3 weeks in the hospital before being sent home in a body cast for a two month recuperation. During his stay at a hospital about a half hour drive from the church, not one officer of his congregation found time to visit him—not the moderator, not the vice moderator, not a deacon, not a trustee. His conference minister and his association minister each visited once as did the pastor of a local church. He hospital chaplain and two of its surgeons checked in on him regularly and were as compassionate and encouraging to him as he had always been to others.

When he was at home recovering, two of the ladies, a choir member and a Sunday school teacher, brought casseroles but Al’s wife had to ask them to leave when they got into a noisy argument over the use of inclusive language in their denomination’s new hymnal.

Soon up and around, Al, now on crutches, returned to his post with slightly less vim and vigor than before. Before the year was over, the pastoral relations committee told him that the congregation was disappointed by his lack of energy and commitment and suggested that he resign. A farewell party was held in his honor but none of the officers of the church was able to attend.

 “I felt like the guest of honor at a celebrity roast until I noticed that nobody was smiling!”

IF YOU’RE A MINISTER, YOU JUST CAN’T WIN!

 If you have ten children, you have too many.

If you have no children, you are not setting a good example.

If your spouse sings in the choir, your spouse is neglecting the children.

If your spouse doesn't, your spouse is not interested in your work.

If you read from notes, you are a bore.

If you speak extemporaneously, you are repetitious and superficial.

If you spend hours in your study, you are standoffish.

If you spend time visiting people, you ought to be in your study preparing your sermon.

If you show concern, you are being obtrusive.

If you don't show concern, you are cold and aloof.

If you call on the wealthy, you're showing favoritism.

If you call on the poor, you're playing to the grandstand.

If you preach over ten minutes, you’re long-winded.

If your sermon is short, you didn't prepare it.

If your church's finances are in the black, you’re too materialistic.

If they're in the red, you’re too otherworldly.

If you mention money, you’re money-mad.

If you don't mention money, you’re a lousy businessman.

If you recommend fairs, bazaars, and pancake breakfasts, you’re bleeding the people.

If you don't, there isn't any life in the parish.

If you celebrates liturgy in a quiet voice, you’re boring;

If you put feelings into it, you’re being histrionic.

If you start the service on time, you’re rushing the congregation.

If you start late, you’re holding up the people.

If you try to be innovative and creative in worship services, you’re showing off;

If you don't, you don't care what the service is like.

If you ask the trustees to decorate the church, you’re wasting money.

If you don't, you’re letting it run down.

If you’re young, you’re not experienced.

If you’re old, you ought to retire.

But... if you die..., one thing’s for sure:

NO ONE CAN EVER REPLACE YOU!

“First of all, we want to assure you that the ridiculous rumor that we’re trying to get rid of you is totally false!”

When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, the eye of a hawk, and the night hours of an owl.  And when they catch this rare bird, they expect him to live on birdseed!

The Perfect Pastor has been found.

He preaches exactly ten minutes and then sits down.  He condemns sin, but never steps on anybody's toes.  He works from 8 in the morning to 10 at night, doing everything from preaching sermons to sweeping.  He makes $60 per week, gives $30 a week to the church, drives a late model car, buys lots of books, wears fine clothes, and has a nice family.  He always stands ready to contribute to every other good cause, too, and to help panhandlers who drop by the church on their way to somewhere. He is 36 years old, and has been preaching 40 years.  He is tall on the short side, heavyset in a thin sort of way, and handsome.  He has eyes of blue or brown (to fit the occasion), and wears his hair parted in the middle, left side dark and straight, right side brown and wavy.  He has a burning desire to work with the youth, and spends all his time with the senior citizens.  He smiles all the time while keeping a straight face, because he has a keen sense of humor that finds him seriously dedicated.  He makes fifteen calls a day on church members, spends all his time evangelizing non-members, and is always found in his study if he is needed.

 Unfortunately he burnt himself out and died at the age of 32.

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