“I didn’t know sneak previews were part of the wedding ceremony!”

 For many people, church is only a place to be married or from which to be buried. These solemn occasions are governed by Murphy’s Law. Two weddings stand out in my memory: the one that inspired this cartoon and the “Do Wah Diddy” ceremony.

This really happened—not to me but to a fellow minister who was an army chaplain in Germany at the end of World War II.

He was asked to perform a wedding for a infantry captain and a nurse, who had met at a military hospital when the captain was recuperating from an injury sustained in a jeep crash shortly after the German surrender. Due to a shortage of fuel, the Lutheran church where the ceremony was to be held was as cold as a meat locker. A few hours before the ceremony, non-commissioned officers from the captain’s command had secured a few bushels of precious coal. The church sexton spoke no English and the sergeants spoke no German but after two hours of effort, they were able to fire up the antique furnace. It had only begun to warm the church when the ceremony began. As the strains of “Here Comes the Bride” announced the bride’s procession to the front of the church and all eyes turned toward her, the furnace began to blast a torrent of hot air. Unfortunately, the bride was directly over a furnace grate and her gown was propelled upward, turning upside down over her head, revealing that she was wearing no under garments.

The bride, visibly blushing from head to toe, stepped forward, grounded her upturned gown, and  took a few deep breaths to regain her composure. Once the laughter subsided the ceremony continued.

And now we turn to the “Do Wah Diddy” ceremony.

 ”It goes this way, stupid!”

"Do wah diddy”

One of Sunday school teachers at the Little Brown Church asked me to perform the wedding ceremony for her nephew Rodney and his wife-to-be. I scheduled a pre-marital counseling session, at which I met Rodney and his fiancée Pearl, neither of whom had ever attended the church.  Rodney’s mind seemed to be on some far away planet. I could never seem to gain his attention. Pearl, who seemed rather domineering, dealt with his wandering thoughts by snapping her fingers in his face at regular intervals.

The day of the wedding, I was in my office going over the order of service  as the guests filed into the sanctuary. Rodney was in the men’s room adjacent to my office, making last minute adjustments to his appearance.  In a voice that could be heard throughout the church edifice, he crooned over and over:

 Now we're together nearly every single day, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do"
A-we're so happy and that's how we're gonna stay, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do"
Well I'm hers (I'm hers), she's mine (she's mine)
I'm hers, she's mine, wedding bells are gonna chime.

After three repetitions, a loud knock sounded on the men’s room door. I peered out and saw the groom’s mother standing at the door. “Junior,” she sternly intoned, “Junior, this building has perfect acoustics.”

His response was another robust round of “Do wah diddy.”

“Junior,” she insisted, “Please be quiet. Everyone can hear you!”

Again, we all heard, “Do wah diddy.”

“Junior,” she howled in a voice that could raise the dead in the churchyard, “JUNIOR, KNOCK IT OFF!”

Silence prevailed.

The ceremony went without a hitch until the time for the customary kiss. Rodney reached for Pearl’s veil and tugged on it from the top rather than lifting it from the bottom. Pearl pushed his hand away, lifted her veil herself and announced, “It goes this way, stupid!”

All the while, I thought to myself, “Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.”

  “What exactly did you two come in here to see me about?”

Case Notes on Modern Marriage Counseling

Myron

Myron is a successful attorney. He was president of a local Rotary club when we met. He had invited me to speak to the group. A week later, he and his wife had dinner with my wife and me. Myron’s wife, Jolene, was twenty-two years his junior. She appeared totally enamored with him. I was a bit embarrassed by her constant displays of affection and her cloying baby talk, but they seemed to enjoy each other tremendously.

About three months later, I was surprised when Myron phoned me for “a professional appointment.” When he arrived at my office, he appeared deeply upset. He paced incessantly as we talked. First, he told me about his first wife, Irma. “We were married for nearly twenty -five years. She is smarter than I am, always earned more money is better known professionally, and when she divorced me, I agreed to pay alimony. I still am paying a third of what I make-but she was such a controlling witch that I just had to get away from her. I would have given her anything.”

He stopped pacing, sat down, and continued: “So now I’m married to Jolene. She was one of my clients. She was recovering from her first marriage that had just ended in divorce. She had been married to this abusive drunk.

I helped her regain a measure of self-confidence, and then she became totally dependent on me. She is so effusive, warm, and appreciative. She made me feel ten feet tall. It was so different from my marriage to Irma. It felt so wonderful. But you know what? It’s getting old. Being married to someone who is completely dependent on you--someone who won’t make the simplest decision without you, someone who hovers over you every minute-is just as draining as being married to a controlling witch!”

 “It’s his fault! He keeps insisting the we’ll need a kitchen after we get married!”

Russell and Nadia

Russell and Nadia came to me for marriage counseling. When Russell, Nadia, and I were together, they both seemed to want their marriage to work and told me how frustrated they felt about the tensions that had developed between them. When I met separately with Russell, he made it clear that he was sick of Nadia and that he had fallen in love with another woman, Liza. When I met with Nadia, she communicated clearly and succinctly that she was tired of Russell’s lack of enthusiasm for her and that she was well aware that there was another woman.

I asked Russell what he really wanted. He replied, “To dump Nadia and live with Liza.” When I asked Nadia what she really wanted, she said, “I don’t care. I would just as soon live alone as put up with this crap. As a matter of fact, I would be completely happy if Russell would leave.” Finally, I got them together and told them the truth as I saw it: “Russell is no longer in love with you, Nadia. He would rather be with Liza. Nadia would like to live alone, so it is all right with her if you want to leave, Russell.” They separated that very day, each of them pleased that they were getting what they wanted, yet each of them displeased with me for having told them. Nadia has spread some vicious stories around the community about my “insensitivity.”

Within a year, they had reconciled. Now neither of them is speaking to me!

“Frankly, Red Eagle. Before I asked the Chief for his daughter’s hand, I’d ask him how she came to be named ‘Thunder Buns.’”

Del and Marlene

As a collector of jokes and other humorous anecdotes, it always has bothered me that most of the material I have gathered, totaling millions of items from thousand of sources, describes marriage in rather old fashioned, nuclear-family-with- 2.3- children-working-dad-stay-at -home-mom terms. Most of the children in these stories are named “Billy” and “Mary” and have a dog named “Spot.” What a “Dick and Jane” world and how out of touch with the family realities of the past fifty years!

A more typical picture of today’s family was brought home to me when I recently attended the wedding of Del and Marlene, young adults whom I have known for several years. The groom’s parents were divorced and both had remarried. Both of Del’s parents and stepparents were present, as were Del’s maternal and paternal grandparents. His stepmother was the hostess and the official photographer. His stepfather, a minister, performed the ceremony.

The bride’s mother had been married four times. Marlene was born before any of her marriages. Marlene’s mother and natural father were present, as were two of her mother’s previous husbands. Her sister, fathered by the bride’s first stepfather, and her brother, fathered by her second were also there. The bride’s mother and her second husband gave away the bride. Also present were the bride’s paternal grandparents, and the maternal grandfather, and the parents of the first stepfather. (Marlene tells me that she has 16 living grandparents and/or stepgrandparents).

The bride has always maintained a close relationship with her “dad,” her first stepfather, and, her birth father’s parents always include him and his wife in their family gatherings. Together the many grandparents, the first stepfather, and the mother provide a secure, dependable support system for the young woman.

Behold the family of today!

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