E-mail: lowell“at”revlowell.com

AN INTRODUCTION

John Franklin, a noted evangelist, was speaking at two different churches in a large city in the same week.  A reporter was pres­ent at the first service.  After the sermon the evangelist plead­ed with the reporter not to publish in the local paper any of the jokes he had used that night since he was going to use the same stories the following night at the other church.  The next morn­ing the reporter published an excellent review of the evangel­ist’s message and concluded with these words: “The Reverend Mr. Franklin also told many stories that cannot be published.”

What follows is a collection of stories that definitely can be published! Here are some of my all-time favorite anecdotes, jokes, and witty comments about religion, the Bible, clergy, churches, Sunday school, and related topics.  You will note that the subjects or keywords for each joke are listed in CAPITAL LETTERS in the line immediately following the title of each anecdote. As with my earlier collections, I trust that they will be of value to you as you meet and communicate with others—whatever your vocation may be.  Laughter is a powerful force, and it is yours to use whether you are a minister, a public speaker, a teacher, a salesman, an office worker, a psychologist, or a plumber! 

As every skilled communicator knows, listeners remember the humorous illustrations in a talk, a lecture, or a sermon long after they forget the other content of the address.  As Isaac Asimov, author of hundreds of books and lifetime collector of humorous anecdotes, once related, “Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.”  Joel Goodman remarks, “Mirth can be a major tool for insight, changing HA-HA to AHA!”

The laughter encouraged by this collection is supportive of human dignity. It is life-affirming and life-giving. And it is, to borrow a word from religion, prophetic.  It comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable. It ennobles our spirits and extends our love to others.

And, above all, it is fun!

So remember four simple words:

Live

           Love

                     Laugh

                                  Bloom!

 Rev. Lowell

Disclaimer: The names of persons and churches used in this collection are entirely fictitious.  Any resemblance to persons or churches living or dead is purely coincidental.

“. . . to get my clothes.”

Subjects: AFTERLIFE, ST. PETER "ST. PETER"  "PETER", REPENTANCE, PUNISHMENT, DEATH, DYING

George, who had lived a riotous life on earth, made a deathbed repentance and got through the Pearly Gates by the skin of his teeth.  After some time in heaven, George went to Saint Peter and said, “I’m not happy in heaven.  The golden streets are hard on my feet.  I’m tired of hearing the angels twanging on their harps.  Won’t you let me go to hell a little while and visit my old friends?”

Saint Peter replied, “Your request is highly irregular.  But I don’t want anybody in heaven to be unhappy. I’ll let you visit your friends in hell, provided you return by six o’clock sharp.” 

By Saint Peter’s grace, George visited his old friends in hell and had such a joyous time with them he forgot the deadline.  He didn’t return to heaven until nine o’clock—three hours late.  

Saint Peter chastised him verbally and declared that he would be compelled to discipline George severely for ignoring the dead­line.  

George said, “Saint Peter, you won’t have to do that.  I didn’t come to stay.  I just came to get my clothes.”

·        Senator Sam J. Ervin, Jr.

The Besetting Sin

Subjects: SIN, CONFESSION, CLERGY  "CLERGY", PRIESTS, RABBIS, MINISTERS, MILITARY

During the hours before D-day, three chaplains—Reverend Paul Peterson, Father Mike O’Connor, and Rabbi Henry Birnbaum—sat together and solemnly discussed the possibility that one or more of them might be killed in the next few hours.

“It makes one feel the necessity of unburdening one’s soul and making confession,” said Father Mike.  “I must own up to a terrible impulse to drink.  Oh, I fight it, I fight it; but it is the temptation that haunts me constantly, and sometimes I give in to it.”

“Well,” said Reverend Paul, “I don’t have too much trouble with liquor, but I must own up to the terrible sexual urges I feel toward attractive women.  I fight this temptation desperately, but every once in a while, I fail to resist.”

After that, there was a pause, and finally both turned to the Jewish chaplain and one said, “And you, Henry, are you troubled with a besetting sin, too?  What is your persistent temptation?”  Rabbi Birnbaum sighed and said, “I’m afraid so.  I have this terrible, irresistible impulse to gossip.” 

Church of My Choice

Subjects: CHURCHES,  ATTENDANCE,  MENTAL, CALIFORNIA, NEW YORK

At a mental hospital in California one Sunday morning a group of patients was being shepherded to the Catholic and Protestant chapels.  One patient did not enter either chapel but continued walking toward the main gate. When an attendant caught up with him and asked where he was going the patient replied, “I was told I could go to the church of my choice, and that is in New York.”

Front, Back, and Center

Subjects: CHURCHES,  ATTENTION, EGO

If we had our way, more of us would choose the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Impressive Humility

HUMILITY, MINISTERS, PRIDE, EGO

Reverend Obediah Franklin, pastor at Zion United Brethren Church, wrote a sermon on “humility,” and then filed it away.  He wanted to save it until a really big occasion when he could impress a lot of people. 

Daniel’s Courage

COURAGE, BIBLE, LIONS, ANIMALS

One of my grandsons explained to me that the lions could not eat Daniel because he was all backbone.

Stork Report

CHURCHES, BABIES, FAMILY, WOMEN, MOTHERS, STORK

The women of St. Matthew’s Church had a handsome-foot-tall papier-mâché stork, which was used frequently for baby showers. The last time they got it out for one of these occasions, howev­er, they couldn’t use it—someone had wrung the bird’s neck.  

Not a Prayer

GOLF, PRIESTS, PRAYER

Norman Cousins tells about a priest who was playing golf and he had difficulty hitting the ball over a small pond.  After he put five balls in the water, he hesitated before teeing up again, then said to his caddy:  “I know what I’m doing wrong.  I just forgot to pray before each shot, that was all.”  He prayed, then swung at the ball—and it traveled about twenty yards in a loop right into the water.  “Father,” asked the caddy, “might I make a suggestion?” “Certainly, son” the  priest said.  “Well, father,” the caddy said, “the next time you pray, keep your head down.”

Highway FROM Heaven

HEAVEN, HABITS, ST. PETER,, PEARLY GATES, DRINKING, GREED, AFTERLIFE, MONEY

It seems there were four married couples on their way to Heaven.  All had developed bad habits and it was very obvious to St. Peter, who met them at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looked at the first man and said, “You can’t come in here now because you’re a boozer and all YOU think about is drink, drink, drink.  And I notice that even your wife’s name is ‘Ginny.’”

St. Peter then looked at the second man and exclaimed, “You can’t come in here now, either, because you are a miser and all YOU think about is money, money, money, and I notice that YOUR wife’s name is ‘Penny.’”

The third man braced himself and he, too, got a negative reaction. “You can’t come in because you worship things that glitter and all you can think about is jewelry, jewelry, jewelry, and I see that YOUR wife’s name is ‘Ruby.’”

Hearing all of this, the fourth man turned to his wife, and yelled, “COME ON, FANNIE, HE WON’T LET US IN, EITHER.”

·        Max Isaackson, Public Speaking and Other Coronary Threats

“After you, IRS  "IRS"”

TAXES, INCOME TAX, TAX COLLECTORS, PEARLY  GATES, ST. PETER, AFTERLIFE

Two income tax collectors died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of them were two ministers, but St. Peter motioned them aside and took the internal revenuers into heaven at once.

“Why them ahead of us?” the surprised religious leaders asked.  “Haven’t we done everything possible to spread the good word?”

“Yes,” said St. Peter, “but those two internal revenue agents scared hell out of more people than you ever did.”

 For or Against

PRESIDENTS, LYNDON JOHNSON, PRESIDENTIAL HUMOR, PREACHING

President Lyndon Johnson loved to tell this story:

The preacher was ve d because a certain member of his congregation always went to sleep during the sermon.  As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would fix him once and for all.

In a whisper, he asked the congregation, “All who do not want to go to heaven, please rise.”  Awaking with a start, the sleepyhead jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit.  “Well, sir,” he said, “I don’t know what we’re voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it.” 

Turning the Table

TABLE-TURNING, BEECHER, FOOL, CRITICISM, SERMONS

Henry Ward Beecher, famous New England minister, was opening his mail one morning.  Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envel­ope, he found written on it one word:  “Fool.”

The next Sunday, in the course of his sermon, he referred to it in these words:  “I have known many an instance of a man writing letters and forgetting to sign his name.  But this is the only instance I’ve ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write his letter.”

Getting Down to Business

GOLF, ST. PETER, ST. PAUL, MIRACLES

The golf match to end all golf matches was played up in Heaven by St. Peter and St. Paul.  St. Peter had the honor on the first tee and promptly made a hole in one. St. Paul, undaunted, repeated the performance.  St. Peter marked the scores down dutifully on his card, then remarked, “What do you say, Paul?  Let’s cut out the fooling around and get down to business.” 

“How much am I offered?”

JOY , MINISTERS , CHILDREN, SUNDAY SCHOOL

Pastor Denning was talking to the eight-year-olds’ Sunday School class about things money can’t buy.  “It can’t buy laughter,” he told them.  “That comes from the soul.  And it can’t buy love.”  Driving this point home, he said, “What would you do if I offered you $1,000 not to love your mother and father?” 

Humor books by Rev. Lowell